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Cyber dating whether we like it or not has become a norm and is here to stay. Gone are the days when most people put their noses up to condemn those brave enough to give themselves a chance. Those who find love online have been despicably called or considered desperate. I on the other hand consider them smart. 

Why smart some will ask? 

Well, for starters our lives have become technology or media driven, there are more people meeting friends online than there are those meeting offline. Even people who meet off line do most of their communicating and dating online maybe due to work or proximity constraints. 

The internet has become the go to place for all kinds information we require so why will any one not take advantage of the vast possibilities it can afford them, including finding a mate?

Going by recent studies, a good percentage of relationships that have actually lead to marriage in recent years have their foundations rooted via the Internet. Positioning yourself where you have the likelihood of mingling with people who not only share the same value as you but also want the same thing as you is a no brainer and a starting point to making yourself seen by people who are in the same circumstance as you. There’s no point joining a group  whose members are anti-marriage when what you are looking for is marriage. Whats the point pretending you don’t desire something, just so you don’t get called desperate. 

Social mediums such as Facebook have played the important role of bringing total strangers together, People on average spend almost more than half their awake time on the Internet, be it on their smart phones, tablets or computers. There’s no running away from it neither can we deny a lot of communications amongst family, friend’s, colleagues and acquaintances happen mostly online these days. That being the case any single mature man or woman who desires marriage and does not maximise the Internet to their advantage on their quest to find or be found  by  that special someone does himself or herself a great disservice in my opinion…but in finding make sure you’re casting your nest in the right place. Also make sure you’re thinking cap is firmly on at all times, for just as we daily encounter dangers in our day to day dealings outside cyberspace, dangers abound on cyber space as well…

Next week we shall talk about the do’s and don’t’s of online dating.

watch this space…

Personally, I'd rather fix a marriage than break it. If it's salvageable why throw it away?
If both parties are willing to work at it. it will work. Marriages fail when both parties or one party stops trying. finally after all has been said and done, after all interventions have been tried and exhausted. The couple still decide to call it quits.

How sad for them!
How even sadder for the children!

So many years down the line, you the lady may think its time to move on - you think you're ready to trust again, love again, share again - what next?

I'm particularly talking to single mothers and divorced ladies.

Sometimes, God gives us a shot at another chance to re-learn and start over.

Everybody deserves happiness and when you find it please grab it.

I'm a firm believer in milking the joy out of life -  after all, you only live once.

Divorce is not desired neither does any sane person advance in marriage with the aim of exiting the union at a later date except of cause via death which we pray comes at a very late stage in life. Life sometimes happen and you may find yourself out in the cold, maybe as a result of wrong choices you or your spouse may have made.

As sad and as major as divorce is, it can actually happen to any married couple. So far as you can only truly vouch for yourself you cannot preemptively swear your other half may not walk out on you tomorrow.

Nobody plans an end date when tying the knot, everybody believes it's "till death do us part" but i reiterate, life sometimes happen.

We do not pray anybody's relationship ends in divorce but because we are realists, practical and know ship happens...if it does -

mourn the loss of your marriage
have a long spell of alone time
take time to evaluate your contribution to the dissolution of your marriage
take steps to equip yourself in such a way that if love finds you again, you'll make better choices and truly make it be "till death do us part".

Even before going on a date every lady and indeed man should have reasonable standards and expectations. These standards form a benchmark of lines that can’t be crossed, values that must be held unto and believes that can’t be compromised. In so saying these standards must be communicated expressly and impliedly to any potential date. Having values – good or bad help set a relationship on a less rocky cause.

  The checkpoints put at the beginning of every adventure sets the tone for a desired ending, not to say everything in life can be over planned, but chances of disaster can be mitigated if the beginning is well thought out. We all have the most power at the start of a relationship, our bargains chips are most likely to work in our favour at this point hence you dictates how you want to be treated long term by the things you allow or dis-allow early in a relationship. .

  You can’t change a man/woman, so stop trying to. If at the start of a relationship you discover a character trait you know you can’t live long term with that is a cue he/she may not be the one for you. .

  When you’re going to live with someone for the rest of your life (that’s what marriage is about, right?) don’t take things for granted, you can’t decide to manage what you consider a major character flaw just to be a Mrs somebody or Mr married man. At some point you won’t be able to manage, when the novelty of being married wears off how then will you cope? .

1. Don’t manage.
2. Don’t settle.
3. Don’t turn a blind eye .
4. Don’t start what you can’t finish.
5. Own your decisions.
6. Own your choices.
7. Own your mistakes.
8. Be choosy, it means you value yourself. .

Come to MutualHearts singles event slated for the 4th of June 2016. Meet new people, interact, socialise, widen your network and be open to possibilities.  If you don’t try new things you’ll never know what could have been….

Akuchi Oriaku.

Choose wisely

Unlike a lot of unwise decisions we’ve made in life, marriage is one decision that needs to be made rather deliberately. If you date and marry the wrong person you will live a significantly negative life with lasting consequences stemming from that one unwise decision you made. 

Some of those who crossed all their t’s and dotted all their i’s unfortunately still make mistakes never mind those who plunged before they looked or even saw warning signs but still foolhardily plunged in. 

Marriage is forever and ever (…well, so it was designed to be until we re-wrote the narrative) hence you need to be doubly sure you’re choosing someone for all the right reasons. 
Marriage is not a game of probabilities it’s rather a game of assurance. You can’t go into a partnership unsure of the outcome, even mere business partners take the time to vet their prospective partners talk less of a marriage partnership. Life of cause is not mistake proof, we cannot always tell the end from the beginning, we can only put good measures in place, play our cards right, take calculated risks and hope our chooses stand the test of time.
Again, I say choose wisely!
Apart from obviously being in love, compatibility and vision play a vital role in determining the longevity of any relationship. It’s hard enough being with someone who shares same values as you never mind someone who’s values and outlook on life are miles apart from yours. If you don’t believe the same things, have very diverse ideologies on life and living, cannot agree on vital decisions then honestly re-think that relationship.
I always tell people, much as it’s hard to put your thinking cap firmly on when making decisions of the heart. This is the one time your thinking cap needs to be firmly on because whatever you can’t deal with during the courtship days cannot be dealt with once the wedding bands are on.
It’s so easy to lose objectivity when in love or lust (depends on which precede your relationship) It’s easy to wave off warning signs and tell yourself “I’ll deal with that problem when it arises”. Guess what? Problems not nipped in the bud becomes cancerous, a cancer big enough to cause divorce.
I don’t subscribe to divorce, neither will I ask an abused fed up person to hang in there. My take – divorce should be a last resort. A road to consider when every form of mediation has failed, when promises are repeatedly broken, when life is in danger or when it becomes the only sensible route to take. Honestly, I hate divorce but the call to stay or go lies with the people wearing the shoes. 

I judge no divorced person, I am well aware most divorces are not casually made. No sane person marries with a marriage expiration date in mind. Reason I hate to see people contemplate divorce when mediation should be the card on the table.

I’ll wrap up with this ….. choose wisely!

So you’re ready to settle down but not currently dating and have recently been hooked up to a cute man/lady. Arrangements for a first date have been made and you have butterflies in your tummy while planning or imagining how it will all pan out. Note, this is not a romantic date and the environment and time of outing should depict this fact. You are out on a fact finding mission, enjoy the company as respectfully as you both can while taking time to later decide if you are both into each other.

First and most importantly, do not over-plan. Do not go for a date with a bucket list of questions and turn a supposed fun night into a tense interrogating room. You can ask all the questions you wish but as light-heartedly as possible condensing them into intelligent small packs (as I like to call them), without your date noticing you have a scoreboard out. I’ll tell you how at the end but first keep reading. By the way do you know it takes less than 3 seconds of meeting someone to create an impression on him or her?

Before the Date: • Allow yourself enjoy the surprise that comes with meeting someone for the first time. Focus on wearing a flattering (not sexy) apparel.
• Bath, shower, scrub, lick yourself dry but by all means please be clean.
• Wear a nice but not too overbearing fragrance-you don’t want to come in smelling like you’ve been dipped in a pot of musk.
• Touch up your hair, your face, smoothen the little creases.
• Brush your teeth just before you go out and remember not to eat spicy food on the day, as you don’t want to smell of onions, egusi or curry.
• Remember to wear nice shoes and a warm smile (people mostly look at eyes and feet when meeting someone).

These advises by the way are applicable to both men and women. Women also appreciate men who make an effort in their hygiene and appearance.
Going on a date with someone you’ve never met in person can be very daunting. Common sense suggests because you have never met before, it is sensible to exhibit good manners. Remember, no matter how much you make the person laugh, they are silently judging you.

Meeting your Date: • Talk less or equal to your date. If they aren’t much talkers try to ask harmless leading questions, that will bring them out of their shells
• Observe culinary etiquettes and don’t be gluttonous. Excessive eating or drinking makes you lose inhibitions, look lazy and silly.
• No sexual initiations or suggestions.
• Be sincere but creative with the spoken words, don’t go announcing your past indiscretions on a first date. There’s a time for everything and a first date is not a time for confessions neither is it a time to lie, just leave those gory tales till you’ve both decided to go on future dates.
• If you’ve got children, mention it and watch their reaction…Very important!
• Even if you find the date boring, be polite, wait a while before taking your leave. Don’t crush their ego please!

Now, the juice of this narrative begins. Listed are five questions you may casually ask a first date that can give you insight into the persons lifestyle and by the end of the date you will be able to determine if you connect with the person and whether or not you share same values and similar lifestyle.
1. What was growing up like? –This is a very important question as you’ve asked so many questions in these few sentences. They’ll have to talk about their family, where they are from, fun things and not so fun things about their childhood, any family tragedies that might have shaped them into whom they are today. This will give you a glimpse into their upbringing. You need to remember no one picks the family they are born into so don’t judging them too harshly based on their family history rather look at how their experience – good or bad has shaped them.
2. You seem outgoing or laid back (as the case may be), but how would your friends describe you? – According to relationship expert Dr Karin Anderson Abrell, “Asking them what their friends say about them provides them the safety of describing themselves from another persons point of view”. This also lets you into how they conduct their friendships and ultimately says a lot about their person how they are likely to conduct a relationship.
3. What super power do you wish you possessed? - This light-hearted question gives an insight into their humorous side or lack of it. It also gives an idea of their vulnerability and character. If for instance: they wish they could fly, they are likely adventurous, spontaneous, playful and curious. If they wish to be invisible or possess the ability to read minds then they are more likely analytical, low key and practical. These questions also cover their hubbies and interests, and from here you can deduce if you’ll find their company enjoyable long term. No point being with someone you can’t have fun with.
4. Who is your least celebrity? – As much as we aim to know what a potential partner likes, it is also vital to appreciate what they don’t like. Asking about a celebrity they don’t like, gives you an insight on the kind of characters they will rather avoid. Remember, celebrities have their lives plastered on every tabloid so it wont be difficult to spot out the character trait he hates about the celebrity and this will most likely relate to real life character traits of associates they will rather avoid.
5. Do you like what you do? - Rather than ask what job they do, how long they’ve been doing it for, do they like their job and the list goes on. You’ve just tapped into their ambition with this question. What’s more telling about a person than what they spend almost half their waking day doing. This question tells about their ambition or lack of it. Are they complacently marking time in a job they hate and settling with what life has thrown at them or do they see where they are as a stepping-stone to their destination? NOTE: Uncertainty in this area is a red flag. If a person is wishy washy in this area of their life, they will also have this attitude towards other areas of their life, their relationship included.

Do you know your dreams consist of all you’ve ever heard, seen or thought of?

Do you even know that every face or anything you see in your dream is a face or thing you’ve consciously or unconsciously encountered before?  …in short, everything you dream about once transpired.

The moment I realised the above truth I knew my validation of self was all I needed to be all I ever wanted to be, so I started…

Dream Big;

Because I cannot control what I lay my sights on, I rather became selective with what I let my sights dwell on; 

I daily renewed my thoughts, stirred my thoughts towards positivity and kept a distance from everything limiting;

Aligned myself with those who’s trails and triumphs challenged my can’t do’s or comfort zones.

If your dreams do not challenge you, you’re either not paying attention to the right things, you’re sights are focused on the wrong things or you’re thinking the wrong thoughts. 

Improve your perception of reality

Improve your perception of self that you may dream the right dreams.

Dreams are meant for the taking

Dreams are just a grasp away

If you can dream it, you can achieve it

You just need to find a way to own it.

Akuchi Oriaku

Read Below Self Love

Welcome to MutualHearts first official blog post and thank you for stopping by, we appreciate your time and hope you find us interesting enough to keep coming back for more thought provoking reads and discussions centred mainly round mature dating. We promise to keep our blog postings as short and straight to the point as possible.

A bit about Us:

MutualHearts is a dating ensemble that has been crafted specifically to meet the needs of singles in the diaspora and at home wanting to date a potential spouse who shares same value as them. By value, we mean explicit and implicit basal outlook rooted in self-belief, culture, religion and perception of life.

We serve as a hub for mature busy singles who may not have the time to socialise outside their usual circle hence limiting their chances of meeting potential spouses. We do this by running regular events centred round mature singles that encourage friendships amongst attendees. Alongside events we also have an online presence that people can log into and virtually meet friends, these friendships soon enough develop well enough for them to meet off line.

MutualHearts hopes our blog provokes a reaction from our members, readers and friends alike.

Happy reading guys…we will enjoy this ride with you.

Akuchi Oriaku 

(CEO MutualHearts)

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